How To Communicate With "Emotionally Distant" Men
I realized something important this week about how men think and act.
It's that men who pay attention and think about the feelings they have,
why they have them, what they mean and how to talk about them are RARE.
And it's even more unique and special for a man to pay attention to
his feelings in relationships with women and to be able to talk openly
about them.
So like everyone else, I like to think that I'm special.
But am I really different than other men?
Ok, I'm hoggin the newsletter for myself, my ego is getting carried
away...
Here's what I want to talk to you about-
Why can't men talk about their feelings?
It's like they're helpless morons when it comes to knowing and sharing
how they feel with you.
And why do men react so weird when you want to talk about things like
issues, emotions, relationships, commitment, marriage?
The answer is pretty fascinating but has more than one simple dimension
to it.
Let me ask you...
Have you ever asked a man how he feels about you or your situation and
then he starts acting all freaked out?
He turns into a deer in headlights.
Or even worse, he starts getting angry and frustrated and turns the
conversation back on you with unrelated problems or issues.
Well, you've run into the BRICK WALL guys have with relationship communication.
And guess what?
It's YOUR fault!
Yep, I'm not letting you shift the blame to someone else for what matters
in your life.
As some of my more enlightened friends like to say:
“Don't go to victim”
If you know someone can't communicate a certain way, it's up to you
to find a better way.
Then once you can reach them you can help them improve.
As the saying goes,
“Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice and shame on me.”
So are you continuing to bang your head against the brick wall?
Shame on you!
Lots of women do - all their lives over and over in relationships until
they've become convinced that men are idiots and you can't ever make
things work.
Quit it for cryin' out loud!
There's a better way, but you'll never figure things out just trying
what makes sense to YOU.
Don't be RIDICULOUS!
(here's where I get all up in your face!)
Planning and approaching issues in your life just by what “makes
sense” is not only naive, it's honestly pretty stupid.
That's why people go to school, they go to college, they study and read,
they go through job training and THEN they go out and make a go of it.
So how much thinking, planning, reading and learning have you done around
the things that effect your relationships and your love life?
Maybe you picked up the latest best-seller by some publishers daughter
on something dumb like how swans mate and are monogamous and you and
your guy can be beautiful and happy like swans in love too...
Hey, not a bad idea. Maybe I'll write a book about that.
Not!
Seriously though...
Are you banging your head against the wall?
Or are you looking to learn?
Here something fascinating to learn...
Men have a “SECRET BUTTON” you can push that will make communicating
with them almost effortless.
And if you learn what it is and how to use it you'll be able to get
at what he really thinks and feels... and teach him how to talk to and
understand you.
So let me take you through a situation I guarantee you've either been
in before or you'll be in with a man...
HELLO!
That means pay attention because this is one of those “universal
situations” that can mean priceless knowledge for you.
Let's say your talking with a man you're interested in and you want
to take things to “the next level” but you don't know how.
And you've been waiting on him to talk to you or express his interest
or love for a while.
But he hasn't done that, and you get a little disappointed and frustrated
with things.
You've tried being patient and talking with your friends but you've
got to know how he feels and you need things to move forward.
So what do you do?
Well, most women build up everything they're thinking inside until they
have to let it out in one big emotional release.
And guess what men see when this happens?
No, they don't see how much you care or love them and how amazing it
is that you want to be with them.
Somehow instead of seeing the good and the positive intentions you have,
they see intense negative emotions that they can't understand.
And men get scared of emotions that are really intense or that they
don't understand.
Most of all, they just aren't used to them.
So when you share your feelings and want to know his feelings for you,
he freaks out.
He either becomes the “deer-in-headlights” guy or the “angry-frustrated-scared”
guy.
Most women do what makes sense in this situation - they push and encourage
the man to talk, to get in touch with his feelings and to share HER
feelings.
But men don't see it as positive encouragement.
They see it as you being “over-emotional” and pushy about
the issue.
(Yeah, I know... Men are freakish emotional creatures!)
When you resist or react negatively in any conversation, everything
becomes more difficult.
And the WORST mistakes you can make here with a man I call the 4 Deadly
Sins:
- Assuming - that he knows what you want or expect
- Begging - for him to “give you” what you want
- Convincing - trying to make him feel the way you do
- Bullying - bullying him into your way of thinking or feeling.
You will never have any long term success with a man if you keep doing
these.
You'll be beating yourself against the “BRICK WALL”.
So what's the “SECRET BUTTON”?
Well, remember that there's a catch to all improvements in your life,
right?
So the same goes for this button thing.
You’ve got to make it happen by changing YOUR communication first
in order to push his communication button.
It’s up to you to get a man’s fears and defenses out of
the way so you can get to the bottom of things.
And getting past the masks men can wear with women out of fear is the
essence of “pushing the button”.
Here's the 5 basic steps I've recognized that you can use to push his
“secret button”. And I'll give you some examples to give
you a general idea of what these are as best I can in a short newsletter:
Step 1) The Primer
This is a the “starter” for the conversation that will build
an entirely positive context - and it might seem like something you
could skip, but it's actually the most important step. It might be something
like starting off talking with positive comments about the time you've
been spending together and some of the great times you've had. The idea
is ALL about setting the right context so a guy becomes positive, comfortable
and opens up.
Step 2) Casual Introduction
This is the first step into “where things are going”. Instead
of springing “the talk” on him, keep talking about positives,
the good things, the things you want to continue that are WORKING. If
you don't have too many of these things, think harder. You're interested
in a future with this guy for some reason, right? But don't just compliment
him. Make sure it's about BOTH of you, and how you are together, not
just about him.
Step 3) Applying With Positive Strokes
So now you're tuning into each other a bit in the conversation and sharing
thoughts about the good things you have together.
Then tell him, “Hey, you know what's great? I bet you and I see
things differently, which is OK, but I love spending time with you and
we have such a great time together”.
Again, you’re getting into a conversation about relationships
that will eventually turn to your situation, but you’re doing
it in a way that doesn’t trigger any resistance or fear from the
man - and this is what you’re aiming for.
Step 4) Non-situational Honesty
Step 5) Active Listening
Step 4 and 5 are a bit more complex so I'll save them for another time.
But steps 1, 2 and 3 are a lot to work with and get you thinking.
If you follow these it will blow a man away
AND even better... it will create massive ATTRACTION!
Yeah, imagine that.
By talking about serious relationship “stuff” you won't
scare a guy off.
No, you'll actually make his attraction for you STRONGER.
How?
Well, men secretly wish that they had women that they felt completely
open and comfortable with to share their feelings, thoughts and desires
on subjects they usually have a hard time with.
It feels REALLY good to talk about things, especially if they've been
bottled up!
I bet you've felt that too.
When you push the button for a man, he experiences a kind of open and
honest communication “release”.
And the more intense the topic or issue is, the more amazing and “freeing”
the experience is.
For men, there's nothing tougher and more foreign than getting really
in touch with their emotions and sharing them with someone.
When you're then one to do this, men almost can’t believe it.
They instantly see you as someone unique, rare, and “cool”.
And when you can talk about tough issues in a way that makes them easy
and fun and you have the right amount or “detachment” from
the outcome, it makes men EXTREMELY attracted to you.
So what exactly are these 5 detailed steps to push a man's communication
button?
I talk about each step in detail, exactly what to do, and the common
mistakes to avoid in my eBook: “Catch
Him And Keep Him”
You can check out all the details here:
Thanks for reading and best of luck in life and love.
Your Friend,
Christian Carter
©Copyright 2006, Catch Him Inc. All Rights
Reserved.
Copyright materials used by permission.
“Catch Him And Keep Him” and “Christian Carter”
are trademarks of Catch Him Inc.
