Relationship Tips

How NOT to fix Your Wife (Girlfriend or Date)!

May 22nd, 2006

Men are dense… in relationships. Men, I know this isn’t going to be a popular statement, but you know that it is true in many ways. We may state that women are not understandable, that they don’t make sense, they are not logical, or that the particular one we’re with is worse than all the others.

But, the truth is, we’re dullards when it comes to the deeper realities of relationships. There are exceptions, but not very many. For instance, my expertise as a marriage and family therapist is relationships. But I can tell you that any woman coming into my office knows more in her little finger innately about relationships than I do.

Women have been raised on them. When they come out of the womb they know that physiologically they are just like momma. So, they try to be even more like her. That’s a relational way to grow up.

Little boys come out of the womb and right away know there is a really big difference between them and momma. And then culture says, “Go out and find yourself. Find out who you really are like.” This sends us toward a non-relational way of growing up.

So, men, let’s face it, we’re playing catch-up with women all the way when it comes to the subtleties of making a good marriage, partnership, or dating relationship. We just don’t “get it” where and when we should.

And here is the rubber meets the road point of this article: We don’t get it about “fixing” women. We have grown up fixing things. And we also want to fix our mate’s problems because that’s what we think we’re good at.

Unfortunately, women don’t need to be fixed, they need to be listened to, and then they can go fix things just fine themselves. (Men, read that line again!)

The way I get around this with men is that I teach them that “listening is fixing.” It’s simply a matter of redefining what we think fixing is in this context. Remember, “Listening is fixing.”

OK, easy to say, not so easy to do. Here’s how my wife taught me NOT to fix her. One day she started saying to me, “This is not helpful to me.” Note, that this is a very functional “I” statement. No blaming, no finger pointing, and not inflammatory. Just a simple statement about her reality and she left it at that.

What did I do? I immediately started arguing with her, saying that, indeed, this WAS helpful to her. At this point she merely said, “And THIS is not helpful to me,” and turned and walked away. She was very self-composed and non-reactive.

This pattern continued a while (I don’t want to confess how long) until it started to dawn on me that I really did want to be helpful to her, and since I apparently wasn’t being helpful, maybe I ought to ask her what would be. This is where I learned about listening to women!

She taught me that “Listening is fixing!” That’s all she needed, just to be heard, and then she could go on and do whatever she needed herself. She just needed the embrace of the relationship.

I’ve just given you the condensed version. It actually took quite a long time for me to really “get it,” and I still fall into the old pattern, lo, these many years later. Pam merely says, “This is not helpful to me,” and I now catch on fairly quickly. Instead of arguing, I have learned to ask, “What would be more helpful right now?” Then she gets to tell me what she wants or needs from me.

Men, we’re dense, and we’ve got alot to learn.

Women, you already know it, but men are dense and have alot to learn. You can help the process or hinder it, by how you educate the men in your lives. We need to know what you want and need at any given time. My wife’s self-possession, self-restraint and willingness to educate me is an example of how to do so effectively. Just don’t think it works the very first time!

Steve Roberts is an experienced Marriage and Family Therapist who shares tips and real life relationship secrets from over 20 years of practice. Married 27 years to Pam, his partner in Life and profession, he has personally known the peaks and valleys of the couple experience. Get insight and wisdom for your relationships at www.whatworksforcouples.com

Warning Signs: Your Guy May be a Mr. Wrong instead of Mr. Right

May 20th, 2006

1. He always make plans at the last minute.

He may have several rods on the fire. You might not be his favorite rod. If nothing else comes along then you pop into his head. Some men just like to keep their options open. They have several choices available and don’t want to make the wrong decision or commit to a date too soon in the event that something better might come along.

You have to decide if this is something you can tolerate. If you are not that into him either, it may work out perfectly for you (a girls gotta eat), but if you are waiting by the phone this may be sign to move on. I personally would not feel I was being treated respectfully in this situation. I would feel I deserved to be treated better.

2. He’s not taking an active role in becoming part of your world.

If a man is serious about you, he will usually make the effort to get to know the people who are important to you. Whether it’s your friends or family, he will want it to be known that he is your man and he will usually try hard to make a good impression. This is how some men mark their territory.

Hey, it doesn’t hurt if everyone loves him and sings his praises to you. If he doesn’t care about that, he simply might not care about you. If he does care about you, but doesn’t want to be involved in your world. well, that’s a whole other story. You come to your own conclusion, but if it were me. I’d rethink the relationship.

3. He doesn’t go to events that are important to you.

Once in awhile if he has a good excuse or is ill or something.that’s ok. If you see a pattern, it may be time to trade up. Something that is important to you should be equally important to him.

If it is not, then it might be a sign that either he is not that into you, he prefers his friends to you, or he is simply too self-centered to stop for a minute and please someone other then himself.

If you’ve really hit the jackpot, he may be a combination of all three. Either way, pay attention to the signs and decide if you feel you are worthy of more.

4. He stays in close contact with his single friends.

If a guy does not part with his single friends, you can be fairly certain he is not going to give up the single life either. Some guys are just players: they have to keep their options open and have a certain amount of emotional distance. Having single friends when you are dating is the best of both worlds.

He may continue to get close to you, but his friends are never far behind. They attend events with you and have permission to just drop by at their whim. You don’t want your guy to give up his friends, but it may be a sign of trouble if he insists that you spend most of your time together hanging out with his buddies.

If he is not a player, but just very social, make sure your needs are met as well. Hanging out with the buds can be fun, but sometimes alone time is also needed in a relationship. If the situation meets your needs, then great. If not, then decide if this is something you can get used to.

5. Night time is the right time. all the time.

If he loves the nightlife and the nightlife loves him even after you have been dating for a while, this might just be his way of life. If this is your way of life, then you have just met your soulmate. I wish you well.

However, historically when couples first start dating they tend to go out a lot, stay out late, and dance the night away. Once you settle in, though, and get closer in the relationship, the pendulum swings to quite nights at home and romantic dinners.

If this is where you are hoping the pendulum would swing, then it may be a good time to express your needs and see if he can meet them. Don’t ask or expect him to change if that is who he is and what makes him happy. Accept the fact that you want different things. It may be time to send this one back and explore the other “fishies in the sea”.

6. You never see him more then once a week (ok. sometimes twice), even after you have been dating several months

Is he super busy or are you play toy number 7? He might have one for every day of the week, and you only can see him twice if numbers 1 through 6 are busy. Hey, it happens . mostly because he has been allowed to get away with it. Just don’t be naive and think he is sitting home 6 nights alone.

If this is acceptable to you, then by all means enjoy your time together when it happens. I guess you will certainly never get sick of each other. If you need more see if he can (or more importantly will) meet your needs. If not.get those shoes on and start walking.

7. You only have his cell number after you have been dating each other for a more then a month.

If it’s been months and you haven’t asked him about that, allow me, he’s either living with someone else or he doesn’t want you calling his house in case he has another woman over. The cell phone he can turn off or set to vibrate… How perfect is that?

When you are into someone (and not dating other women too) you want her to feel free totally comfortable calling you anytime. It shows commitment and openness. If he is not showing these signs outwardly, it might be an indication that you are dating a very busy man.

If it feels like a duck and quacks like a duck, yup, it’s a duck. This little trick was used on me, and I must say I didn’t catch on for quite a while. I was too naive. I’m all grown up now.

Copyright © 2005 Cathi Adams

Cathi Adams is the author of “Divorce Secrets: What Every Women Should Know.” This invaluable resource provides steps to ensure financial security to woman faced with the possibility of divorce. Visit her web site for a FREE report -What You Absolutely Must Know Before You Even THINK About Getting A Divorce.

I’ve met Mr. Right. Do You Think He’s the One?

May 20th, 2006

© Steve Roberts - All Rights reserved www.WhatWorksForCouples.com

The question is a common one: How do I know if this is the right person. Am I doing the right thing?

The truth is we’re never quite sure. We gather the data of experience. Then we take a shot at life one way of the other. Right or Wrong? Only experience tells us.

So, how do we make a good assessment before the decision? Here are some questions to ask yourself.

1. How well have I observed this person’s past behavior? Behind the “look good” behavior of the infatuation period lies the everyday behavior with friends, family, work colleagues, and with you. What you see in the every day behavior is likely to persist.

Do you like what you are seeing?

Can you live with it if it doesn’t change?

Would you stay with this person if you knew for certain that it would never change?

2. Assuming you have a really good sense of the person’s behavior, then do you love him/her? Before answering, consider what I’m actually asking with this question.

Do you love the person just as is, not as could be? Do you love for who this person is now, rather than the possibilities you see? Those possibilities may never come to pass. How would you live with that?

Is there passion inside you to see, be with, to spend time (a lot of time) with this person? I’ve seen alot of people in “luke warm” relationships that were never hotter than that even to begin with. That’s OK if it is your choice, but is this what you really want?

Does this person feel like the real thing, the real deal, the really true love to you, or is there still something nagging at you?

3. Assuming we have the behavior, and the love, is there a final something that will kill the relationship over time?

An addiction? Parents, children or other family that hates you? A commitment to something that will not leave enough time for you? A difference in religion that can not be resolved? Does he or she feel the same passion for you that you are feeling?

Let’s be realistic: Love does NOT conquer all. I wish it did. If it did the divorce rate where I live wouldn’t be near 70%. There’s nothing wrong with making the choice for a committed relationship. But use your head and not just your heart!

– Steve Roberts is an experienced Marriage and Family Therapist who shares tips and real life relationship secrets from over 20 years of practice. Married 27 years to Pam, his partner in Life and profession, he has personally known the peaks and valleys of the couple experience.

Find Mr. Right And Keep Him Hooked

May 16th, 2006

Christian Carter has by far the best advice on understanding men I’ve ever read. Coming as it does from a man, it makes complete sense. His free dating tips will help you find Mr. Right and keep him hooked for good.

10 Secrets About Men

Creating “Intense Attraction” With A Man

Using The “Magic” Of Intuition With Men

Nice Guys Vs. Bad Guys: Who Do You Love?

The Ten Most Dangerous Mistakes YOU Probably Make With Men - And What To Do About It…

Why Men Withdraw, And What To Do About It

How To Communicate With Emotionally Distant Men

Q & A: How Do I Get Him Back?

Is The Battle For Energy Destroying Your Relationships?

May 15th, 2006

In The Celestine Prophecy, James Redfield writes about the ‘control dramas’ that people use to draw energy from one another.

Think about it. Every time you interact with another person, there is a transaction of energy. Depending on the kind of interaction, you either feel energised or drained after it.

The reason why negative people tend to drain your energy is because they are operating from their ego.

The ego is all about, ‘I, me and myself.’ It always wants more. More possessions, more wealth, more pride, more control, more energy-¦

When you operate from the ego, you tend to draw energy towards yourself, and away from the other person.

Every time you try to ‘be right’, every time you try to prove yourself superior to another person or dominate them, you are fighting a battle for energy. This battle is the death-knell of many a relationship.

But when you experience a sense of oneness with the universe, lose your sense of self and ego and learn to operate from love, theres no more need for control dramas.

The Fourth and Fifth Insight in The Celestine Prophecy state that:

‘Humans have always felt insecure and disconnected from this sacred source, and have tried to take energy by dominating each other. This struggle is responsible for all human conflict.

The only solution is to cultivate a personal reconnection with the divine, a mystical transformation that fills us with unlimited energy and love, extends our perception of beauty, and lifts us into a Higher-Self Awareness.’

These insights are not new. For thousands of years, spiritual and energy healers from the disciplines of Reiki, Tai Chi, Qigong and Yoga, have understood and used them to draw energy directly from the divine source.

Meditation is the way recommended by spiritual and energy healers, but a positive attitude and healthy diet are also important.

When you realise that the energy in the universe is infinite and boundless, and learn how to tap into that divine energy and abundance, theres no need for you to draw your energy from another person.

This realisation will completely transform your relationships.

When you learn how to build your resources of energy directly from the universe, you can even give some to another person who needs it.

You know theres always more where that came from.

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Copyright © Priya Shah

Priya Shah blogs on self-improvement and spirituality. Get more relationship tips and advice and free self-improvement resources.

This article may be reprinted as long as the resource box is left intact and all links are hyperlinked.

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Relationships - 9 Never-Changing Rules

May 14th, 2006

In a relationship, your ability to understand and respond to the other person’s needs and desires are fundamental. Understanding the nature of relationships themselves may be as important to your success in love as understanding the person with whom you’re having the relationship.

The key to a working relationship is twofold. First you need to work on a relationship day in and day out. Second you need the right information to pinpoint where the relationship needs work. Without this information you’re simply assuming and assumptions are the enemy to any healthy relationship.

From puppy love to winter romances, the following is true of all relationships

1. Relationships Don’t Just Happen

Relationships aren’t accidents that come out of nowhere; you create them and you have to make an effort to maintain them. Remember that the time you invest in others will always pay off.

2. Relationships are Need-based.

Everyone has their own personal needs and desires; your job is to figure out those needs since some may be unexpressed verbally. Not an easy task, therefore you have to focus on your partner. Ask how you can respond to a desire that she or he has.

3. Relationships Don’t Hold a Grudge

Despite the use of terms like “perfect match,” and “perfect couple,” the idea of a perfect relationship is perfectly ridiculous. We all make mistakes dealing with other people, so it’s important to be overlooked and/or forgive imperfections in others in order to build strong relationships.

4. Relationships That Endure Take Time

Relationships are formed with long-term goals in mind. This means that deep relationships will evolve slowly because the stakes — a life partner — are so great. In this instance, “haste makes waste” and divorce.or at least an ugly break-up.

5. Relationships are As Unique as the Folks That Are In ‘Em.

No two people are the same and so no two relationships are the same. Your relationships will deepen and strengthen, if you can accept the uniqueness of others as a precious gift.

6. Relationships Build You Up.

“My partner brings out the best in me,” is the way most people define the partner that they love. Relationships are built on encouragement, so always try to make your partner feel good, even if you’re urging them beyond their comfort zone to a new level of intimacy.

7. Relationships Are Essential.

It may be a dog eat dog world out there, but man is still a “pack animal,” looking for positive healthy relationships. Once you understand that nothing is more important than people, you’ll communicate that supportive message in everything you do.

8. Relationships Are For Two.

There is no such thing as a one-person relationship. For a relationship to thrive it requires cooperation from both parties, otherwise it’s unrequited love (at best) and stalking (at worst). You can’t have a relationship with someone who isn’t interested in having one with you.

9. Relationships are Greater Than the Sum of Their Parts.

In good relationships there is energy — your energy and your partners. This energy pushes each of you to strive to make the relationship work as individuals, and it also drives you to a shared excellence.

Armed with these rules you should be able to create and maintain a healthy relationship. Some caution on this topic. Just because you live and breathe these rules doesn’t mean that your relationship will be better or a broken relationship will be fixed. Every situation is unique and requires different approaches. Use these rules as a guide and as a guide only.

Unfortunately a small article can’t do justice on the wide spectrum of creating and maintaining a working relationship. You will get the complete picture and step by step explanations in Race Kale’s new book “The Power of Charisma”.

Copyright 2005 Peter Dobler

Peter Dobler is an active real estate investor and a successful home business entrepreneur. Learn how to create and maintain a better relationship with this new book. http://www.powerofcharismabook.com

How To Attract The Mate Of Your Dreams

May 10th, 2006

In my quest to find the perfect mate, I often ended up dating or attracting people who were completely wrong for me. It was only when I realised a simple truth that my entire concept of relationships changed.

Practitioners of NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) have a rule that states: The meaning of your communication is the response that you get.

That means the response you elicit from a person depends entirely on how you communicate your ideas to them. If you communicate in a way that gets you the response you desired, you were successful. If not, you need to learn what was missing in your communication and how to incorporate that the next time you try.

Notice how this rule places the onus of getting a response on YOU, not on the other person.

If you extrapolate this to relationships, you could say, ‘The kind of person you attract depends on the kind of person you are.’ Our relationships, and the people we attract into our lives, are just a reflection of who we are, at that point in our lives.

We often talk about men (or women) being ‘emotionally unavailable or unwilling to commit to a better relationship. But the kind of people we attract into our lives often tend to be people who mirror our personality or the issues we are dealing with, in some way.

If, deep down, you have a fear of commitment or of ‘losing your freedom’, then youre going to attract a mate with the same issues. If you have no self-love or low self-esteem, youll end up attracting people with the same problems.

The reason why we see patterns in our lives, why we get into abusive or unfulfilling relationships, is because weve not dealt with the issues that were responsible for creating our own beliefs and personalities.

The Law of Attraction states that like attracts like. If you think positive thoughts, youll attract good things to you. If you respect people and do good by them, youll elicit the same response from them.

If you want to attract a person with all the qualities you want in a mate, then you must develop those qualities in yourself.

Want your mate to be more loving, giving and kind? Then become more loving, giving and kind.

Want your mate to be health-conscious? Start taking charge of your own health and fitness.

Want your mate to have a good sense of humour? Take the time and effort to develop your own sense of humour.

Want your mate to be financially secure? Get your own finances in order.

Want your mate to be emotionally available? Commit to sharing more of yourself first.

If youve been attracting the wrong kind of people into your life, take a good look at the person in the mirror. Get to know yourself better. Youll find the answers are all inside you.

If you want a better relationship, you must become a better person. To attract the mate of your dreams, you must become the person you want to attract.

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Copyright © Priya Shah

Priya Shah blogs on internet marketing and personal growth. Click here for free self-improvement ebooks.

This article may be reprinted as long as the resource box is left intact and all links are hyperlinked.

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