Relationship Tips

Is marriage becoming an outdated concept in a world of Hollywood-style divorces and disposable spouses? With celebrities filing for divorce almost every other day, and the awful stats on marriage and divorce, it’s a wonder that people bother getting hitched in the first place.

But, I think the real reason divorce is hitting an all time high, and belief in marriage as an institution is waning, is that the new generation (and young women, in particular) have far more choices open to them today, than their parents ever had.

And by choices I mean the ability, means, and legal sanction to:

- Leave an abusive relationship. Whereas most women of our parent’s generation would have chosen to stay in an abusive relationship (and still do), young women today have much greater support from parents, society and the law, and when faced with that choice, they are more likely to opt out, and with good reason).

- Pursue happiness aggressively. Whether that means choosing to leave an unfulfilling relationship because of irreconcilable differences, growing apart or career choices, young people have greater legal and societal support to end a marriage than their parents did.

While the aim of being in a happy, fulfilling relationship is worth pursuing, it takes a lot of work and sacrifice, not to mention loyalty and commitment, to make a go of it. Young people today seem far less committed to their relationships, and less tolerant of differences.

After all, why bother, when it’s so easy to end something that isn’t working and start over with someone new? What they don’t realise, however, is that the issues that plagued them in their old relationships are likely to follow them into the new relationship as well.

For women, in particular, the pressure to settle down and have kids makes many of them rush into marriage without assessing the suitability of the person they’ve chosen as a life partner.

The question, then, is not whether marriage is an outdated institution, but whether you and your partner are marriage-material. Do you both have what it takes to make a good marriage? Are you truly ready for marriage and all it entails?

Here are some things you need to do if you’re in a relationship or planning to take the plunge.

Get Rid Of Your Illusions

Like a thirsty man running towards a mirage in a desert, the false belief that marriage is going to make you happy is the cause of many a divorce. If you’re miserable when single, you’ll be miserable when married. That’s a fact. As long as you keep believing that you need another person to “complete” you, you’ll be chasing a mirage of happiness, and end up disappointed every time. Our limiting beliefs about marriage are what prevent many couples from staying in what would otherwise be happy, fulfilling relationships. Getting rid of your illusions about marriage and the opposite sex will eliminate one of the biggest obstacles to having a successful marriage.

Know What You Want

Before you decide to settle down with one person, it’s smart to date until you have the maturity and clarity to know your own needs, and know what you expect from yourself and your partner. Dating allows you to learn more about the opposite sex, teaches you what sort of people to avoid, and helps you understand how to deal with the inevitable problems that crop up.

Don’t Rush Things

Instead of giving in to the heady emotion that accompanies “falling in love” and rushing into a commitment you might regret, take the time to get to know each other for at least a couple of years (anything before that is a risk) before deciding whether you want to spend your lives together. Ending a relationship can be painful, but it’s much less painful than a divorce, especially when there are kids involved.

Live In The Moment

Instead of keeping one eye on the goal (marriage) and pressuring your partner into a commitment, learn to live in the moment, appreciate your partner for who they are, and enjoy your time together. Take every relationship as a learning experience, because that’s exactly what it is.

Educate Yourself

Learn what it takes, and doesn’t take, to build a great relationship. Is the opposite sex a mystery to you? There are plenty of books and courses that will help you learn more about them. I recommend some of the best ones on my sites below.

Get Your Act Together

If you are unable to take responsibility for your emotions, have codependent tendencies, or addictions (that can be lethal to a relationship), approach a counsellor and learn healthy ways to communicate with your partner, manage anger, deal with disappointment, stress and sexual needs. These skills will stand you in good stead when your marriage hits the inevitable bumps along the way.

Deserve What You Want

In an earlier article titled “How to Attract The Mate Of Your Dreams“, I wrote that the best way to attract a great partner is to become one yourself. You’ll find some good books that teach you how to become a great partner here.

Practice Unconditional Love

The popular notion of love is that it’s a feeling, an emotion. But is that really true? While being in love does generate powerful feelings and emotions, those are actually the symptoms or effect of love. In a spiritual sense, love is a way of life, a way of being. We do not fall in love or feel love. We practice love. Love is about doing, not feeling. Practice unconditional love towards yourself and others. Learn to treat people with the love and respect they deserve. Act from your higher self at all times and you’ll be rewarded with a lifetime of love and happiness.

_______________________________________________

Copyright © Priya Shah

Priya Shah writes about self-improvement and women’s empowerment. Click here for relationship tips and advice. This article may be reprinted as long as the resource box is left intact and all links are hyperlinked.

_______________________________________________

Why do we feel unhappy or unfulfilled in our relationships? Why do we complain, judge others or blame them for our problems? Usually, its because we feel that way about our self.

Our relationships and life experiences are a reflection of our inner world. How we see the world and interpret the actions of others depends on our relationship with our self.

To change your relationships with others, youve got to change your relationship with yourself.

Own your feelings

Accept that you alone are responsible for the way you think and feel. No one can make you feel that way. Own responsibility for allowing yourself to feel the way you do.

Be self-aware

Step back and observe yourself from a distance. How do you react to people and situations? Are you reacting unconsciously from the ‘wounded child’ or responding in a calm, compassionate manner? When youre conscious and aware of your feelings in a situation, you have the power to respond, rather than react.

Be authentic

Be true to yourself. Theres no need to put on a mask or a persona for someone else. You are perfect, whole and complete the way you are.

Love yourself unconditionally

Accept yourself for who you are, the parts you like, the parts you dont. Youre part of divine creation. When you know and believe that, you will love and accept yourself the way you are.

Never belittle yourself

Never put yourself down or disrespect yourself. Dont allow anyone else to treat you in a way that you dont approve of. Never accept less than what you deserve - from yourself or anyone else.

Take care of yourself first

Remember the airline stewardess telling you to put on your own oxygen mask before helping the person next to you? You cant take care of someone else, your family, or your kids, if you dont take care of yourself first. Make yourself and your health a priority and do what it takes to get well, in every way.

Get in touch with your Higher Self

Your intuition is your Higher Self, the self that knows without knowing, sees without seeing. It is this self that will guide you towards your higher purpose. Any time you spend in meditation, prayer or solitude, cultivating your relationship with your higher self, will be time well spent.

Learn to connect with yourself at a deeper level, find your purpose, and understand your role in the universe. It will transform your relationship with yourself, and with everyone in your life.

Copyright © Priya Shah

This article may be reprinted as long as the resource box is left intact and all links are hyperlinked.

One of the hardest things for any person, man or woman, is letting go of a relationship thats not meant to be. We are often attached to the illusion that this person is ‘the One’ for us, and that if we dont have him or her, well never find somebody new.

Holding on to disappointment, hurt, blame, anger, resentment, and bitterness, we convince ourselves that ‘all men are jerks’ or ‘all women are bitches.’

If youve just got out of a relationship and are harbouring a lot of resentment against your partner or against the opposite sex, now is NOT the time to start dating again. Your anger and bitterness will poison even the most loving relationship.

When we hang on to baggage from past relationships, we end up projecting our pain on to others in our lives - our families, children and, eventually, our new partners.

Our emotional baggage is usually rooted in our relationships with our own parents, or in bad relationships weve had in the past. We have to lighten our load and heal our pain before we can love again.

Some of the practices you need to cultivate in order to heal yourself are:

· Radical Personal Responsibility: Take responsibility for the role you played in your relationship, either by taking inappropriate action, not acting altogether or expecting too much. Stop blaming your partner. Own your feelings, so you can change them.

· Self-Awareness: Are there patterns that keep repeating in your relationships? Do you have a tendency to get into relationships with abusive people, or become abusive yourself? Become mindful of your reactions to people and situations. Learn to identify your patterns, and the unhealthy beliefs that are causing them.

· Acceptance: Accept yourself and your partner the way you are. Accept the fact that the relationship was not meant to be, that it didnt work because it was not your highest and best.

· Forgiveness: Learn to forgive yourself for all the damage that your anger and pain may have caused, and forgive others for being human and acting out their own anger and pain.

· Gratitude: Be grateful that youre out of a bad relationship, so you can be with someone better suited to your needs. Be grateful for all the lessons youve learned from your partner.

· Compassion: Learn to look at all people as human beings dealing with their own pain. Spend some time seeing the world through their eyes and youll become less judgmental.

· Detachment: Learn to let go of unhealthy attachments to people, things and situations.

· Independence: Stop expecting other people to give you the love and acceptance you should be giving yourself. Learn to meet your own needs, let go of expectations, and enter a healthy, inter-dependent relationship.

· Optimism: Optimism is not essential, but it makes life so much easier. An optimistic outlook, positive attitude and belief that everything happens for the best, can help you bounce back from your loss. Have faith that the best is yet to come.

It takes a lot of tears, hard work, and introspection to break the chains of the past. But it’s worth every moment! The feeling of freedom and contentment that you experience is just awesome.

Getting rid of your anger and hurt will help you stop blaming others for your pain, and allowed you to see your former partner as they really are - a wonderful, sensitive human being with the capacity to love, to care, and to hurt just as deeply as you.

It will allow you to love life again, to see the beauty in every experience, to be non-judgmental and open to new relationships.

No time spent in a relationship is ever wasted. Ever experience is a lesson and only when you learn the lesson will you progress to the next level. So stop beating yourself up over all the years you ‘wasted’ with that ‘loser.’

If it didn’t work, it was probably not meant to be. You cant force someone to love you, just as you cant force commitment or marriage. These are stages that should happen naturally, when it feels right for both people.

Contrary to popular opinion (and sad love songs) love is not meant to hurt. If youre in pain, what youre experiencing is not love, but attachment or codependence. Too often we fall in love, not with our partner, but with the IDEA of being in love.

Its best to let go of a relationship thats causing too much pain. Instead of wallowing in the past and writing your own sad love song, do your inner work, get rid of the anger and disappointment and get on with your life.

Let go of your partner with love, so you can move past your hurt and learn to love again.

_______________________________________________

Copyright © Priya Shah

Priya Shah blogs about self-improvement and women’s empowerment. Click here for relationship tips and advice.

This article may be reprinted as long as the resource box is left intact and all links are hyperlinked.

_______________________________________________

In The Celestine Prophecy, James Redfield writes about the ‘control dramas’ that people use to draw energy from one another.

Think about it. Every time you interact with another person, there is a transaction of energy. Depending on the kind of interaction, you either feel energised or drained after it.

The reason why negative people tend to drain your energy is because they are operating from their ego.

The ego is all about, ‘I, me and myself.’ It always wants more. More possessions, more wealth, more pride, more control, more energy-¦

When you operate from the ego, you tend to draw energy towards yourself, and away from the other person.

Every time you try to ‘be right’, every time you try to prove yourself superior to another person or dominate them, you are fighting a battle for energy. This battle is the death-knell of many a relationship.

But when you experience a sense of oneness with the universe, lose your sense of self and ego and learn to operate from love, theres no more need for control dramas.

The Fourth and Fifth Insight in The Celestine Prophecy state that:

‘Humans have always felt insecure and disconnected from this sacred source, and have tried to take energy by dominating each other. This struggle is responsible for all human conflict.

The only solution is to cultivate a personal reconnection with the divine, a mystical transformation that fills us with unlimited energy and love, extends our perception of beauty, and lifts us into a Higher-Self Awareness.’

These insights are not new. For thousands of years, spiritual and energy healers from the disciplines of Reiki, Tai Chi, Qigong and Yoga, have understood and used them to draw energy directly from the divine source.

Meditation is the way recommended by spiritual and energy healers, but a positive attitude and healthy diet are also important.

When you realise that the energy in the universe is infinite and boundless, and learn how to tap into that divine energy and abundance, theres no need for you to draw your energy from another person.

This realisation will completely transform your relationships.

When you learn how to build your resources of energy directly from the universe, you can even give some to another person who needs it.

You know theres always more where that came from.

_______________________________________________

Copyright © Priya Shah

Priya Shah blogs on self-improvement and spirituality. Get more relationship tips and advice and free self-improvement resources.

This article may be reprinted as long as the resource box is left intact and all links are hyperlinked.

_______________________________________________

By Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach

Alexander is inconsolable over his recent divorce, instigated by his wife of 10 years. Perhaps you know or love someone like this. His behavior and reaction to the loss are driving other people from his life as well. His family tell me they’ve “done everything they could” and are at their wit’s end. They understand the sadness, but are concerned about his litany of physical complaints ranging from what looks like chronic fatigue syndrome to the heart pains he claims to be having.

He’s driven off a new girl-friend because of his “obsessing about his former wife,” his flash anger, and his ambivalence about plans, activities, and their relationship.

His friends have quit inviting for dinner because he’s so withdrawn and forlorn, and his business partner is becoming increasingly concerned at Alexander’s neglect of their business.

Alexander’s personality has changed and increasingly he is adding more and greater problems to the initial problem. Evidence mounts daily that calling it a “broken heart” is an astute bit of folk wisdom.

When you lose a love relationship, a set of symptoms ensues that other people usually try and talk you out of: the dragging around, sleeping too much or too little, crying, weight gain or loss, talking and thinking obsessively about the lost love, inability to enjoy life and the things that used to bring pleasure, and also a host of physical ailments.

Some people focus on the psychological pain, while others focus on the physical suffering, but usually there is both, and there’s mounting evidence that the physical symptoms aren’t “psychosomatic.” Well, not in the old and common use of the term. We recognize the seamless mind-body connection in the field of emotional intelligence. What we feel emotionally, is “felt” physically in the cells of our bodies.

When we see it in others, we want them to “just get over it” - to quit thinking, talking and acting that way and get back to normal. We can understand the loss, but in many cases we know it will fix itself in time, and also it isn’t we who are suffering. We remember having gotten over things in the past, but we may not remember what it was like for us during the worst of it. In fact, we try not to remember it and apply our “selective remembering.”

What have been the remedies? At one time the cure was, at least for the wealthy, to take an ocean voyage.

Well, there’s wisdom in that, as well. Let’s take a look at what happens when our “heart is broken,” because it could be the result.

If it’s happened to you, you’re probably aware that it isn’t something that lends itself to a “quick fix,” and that it’s somehow more than “in your head,” as some seem to imply. At your better times, you’d like to get over it too. But if you’ve survived this sort of heartbreak, and gone on to thrive, as many of us have, you also know things can get better, and can shine your light on the dark corners of someone else’s life and be patient while time works its cure. However, there’s something else they need to be doing as well besides having hope and waiting.

That time will heal isn’t an absolute.

The panoply of symptoms of “the broken heart”, it turns out, were aptly named.

Studies are showing that there are measurable physiological changes that take place that can be detrimental to our physical health and exacerbate the psychological suffering. After all, if it were “all in your head,” you yourself know that, as well-meaning others tell you, you’ll probably love again, most do; that time will heal; it usually does; that if they didn’t want you, you’re better off without them; that other people have gone through what you’re going through and seem to be okay; and that moping around, eating poorly, drinking too much and neglecting important things and people in your life isn’t going to help anything.

Research is showing that people in the state of what’s called melancholic depression, have a heart rate and blood pressure significantly higher than normal people in normal times and other crucial health measurables get significantly out-of-kilter.

In typical medicalese, researchers at the National Institute of Mental Health, Bethesda, Maryland, USA, reported that patients with melancholic depression could “experience an increase in norepinephrine levels of a similar magnitude to that associated with twice the risk of mortality in patients with chronic heart failure (CHF).”

Translated, this means that it can put you at two times the risk of death from a heart attack as someone who has chronic heart failure (CHF). Correlations continue to be found. It turns out that levels of cortisol and epinephrine peak in the morning, a time when depressive symptoms are worse (thus the not wanting to get up and go to work), and also the time when many heart attacks occur. (You’ve heard of the Monday morning heart attack.)

What can you do about this? If you’re in the life of the suffering person, understand it’s more than “in their head,” and encourage them to go to their healthcare professional for a checkup. If you’re the person, understand the health ramifications and see your health care professional.

Things known to help include talking about it in therapy, exercise, cognitive work (like EQ), medication and other physical treatments. And yes, also the folk cure often recommendeded of taking an ocean voyage … even gazing at water can raise the levels of those brain chemicals that make us feel good.

While this is not intended as medical advice, which you can only get from a healthcare professional, if you have any propensity for heart trouble (physically) and receive heart trouble (emotionally), keep in mind, as always, the mind-body connection and take care of yourself. And do this especially when you don’t feel like it, because that’s one of the symptoms.

This is especially important for men, since men are more prone to heart trouble of the physical kind, and less less resilient in the face of heart trouble of the emotional kind.

© Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach. Susan is the author of “Depression: The EQ Approach”. She offers coaching, Internet courses and ebooks around emotional intelligence for your personal and professional success and wellness. She trains and certifies EQ coaches internationally. Email her for info on this fast, affordable, comprehensive, no-residency program. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE EQ ezine and visit http://www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html for books

Here are some warning signs of a cheating husband.

It is important to let you know that they are not the only ones and they are not definitely signs either. This means that your partner could do some of these actions and not necessarily being cheating on you.

Take these as yellow lights, to start looking further, but not take them as full probe that your partner is cheating on you.

As I said before, before these signs, your feelings are probably the most important indicators that something is happening. Why do you have these feelings? you have them because you start seeing things that you never saw before until something in your mind start telling you very softly¬¦ Is there someone else? Is he cheating on me? And most of the time you know the answer in advance-¦

If the signs alarm you, and you feel that you need to get probes before taking further steps, don’t feel guilty. It is perfectly normal that you need probes; this is because you cannot believe that this person for whom you did so much and probably with whom you spent so much time and had so many dreams, is cheating on you. Therefore, do not feel guilty if you are looking for probes, it is your life!

Do not fall in the trap that you are betraying your partner confidence if you look for the truth, this is a cheater argument and it was created to refrain you for looking for the real truth. It is he who is betraying you, not the opposite.

1. He starts working overtime more often than usual and he is not at his office when you call.

2. He does not answer his cell phone often and he tells you that it was turned on all the time. He tells you that he doesnt know what happened.

3. He erases all his text messages from his cell phone on a regular basis.

4. He has a cell phone you dont know and especially if the bill arrives to his office.

5. He wants to try new sex techniques that you never tried before as a couple.

6. He carries condoms, especially if you are using the pill.

7. He spends more hours than usual on the computer late at night.

8. He gets very upset if you call him to the office or asks you not to do it.

9. He disappears for long time and you dont know where he is.

10. He gets nervous when you step into the room where he is using the computer. Changes windows, closes programs or shut down the computer among other actions.

11. His car smells lightly like woman perfume. Mens cars are very good revealing cheating information.

12. He doesnt want toys or child seats in his car.

13. His clothes smell like a woman, to an unfamiliar perfume or have lipstick on them.

14. You find unknown charges on his credit card statement.

15. Even that I know husbands who have cheated their wives for years, usually men are careless and finding if they are cheating is much easier than findind a cheating woman.

16. Woman have a very special feeling about being cheated, therefore if you have the feeling, the chance that something is happening is very high.

Dr. Laurent Mikhail is a communication professional who has helped several couples to understand each other after a cheating problem. You can find further information within his site www.catch-cheating.com

We still live in a society that promotes the notion that it is normal for a man to desire many women and yet normal for a woman to desire only one man. Our beliefs about male and female behavior may have been helpful in the past, but today they are doing much more harm than good.

As a society we need to stop perpetuating the myth that females are naturally monogamous because this erroneous belief keeps women from taking responsibility when they do cheat. Unfortunately, when women cheat they typically put the blame on their husbands.

Most of the prevailing beliefs we hold about women were created and taught to control the sexual behavior of females in an effort to ease paternity insecurity in males. When females give birth they know the children they give birth to are biologically theirs. Males on the other hand, prior to DNA testing, had to rely on the faithfulness of their partners; which is the reason a sexual double-standard emerged. However, over time the sexual double-standard gave way to a false belief that females were in fact naturally monogamous. Today, it is no longer necessary to continue teaching this false belief because DNA testing allows males to have the same certainty about paternity as females.

Today, women initiate approximately 70 - 75% of all divorces. Due to our false beliefs, women lack adequate knowledge about their natural sexual impulses; as a result, they are much more likely than men to leave their marriages due to their sexual attractions and affairs. Although women typically pursue separations and divorces under the guise of ’searching for self’ the real reason is often another man. Its not uncommon for women to be happily married prior to their affairs; its also not uncommon for men to be divorced by their wives without ever knowing about their wives extramarital relationships.

For many years now, women have been knowingly or unknowingly performing a balancing act - trying to attain equal rights, while at the same time, trying to maintain their special rights. Interestingly enough, most women are still not happy. Women continue to feel they get the short end of the stick. Women still do not feel as though they have equal rights, much less special rights, why? Because the sexual double standard still exists in our culture; but ironically, womens final right to claim is the root from which their oppression stemmed.

However, it is no longer men who oppress women - it is women. Women have not yet decided whether they want to trade their ‘image’ and all the special treatment that it affords them, for the ‘public’ sexual freedom which is afforded to males. As a result, one of the biggest problems in relationships today, is due to the fact that women are finding it increasingly more difficult to maintain their ‘image,’ now that their survival is no longer contingent upon it.

It is only by doing away with the sexual double standard that females will finally achieve the equality they have so long sought after. However, in doing so, they will have to give up one of their special rights - they will no longer be able to blame males for their sexual indiscretions and their lack of self control.

Michelle Langley is the author of Womens Infidelity: Living In Limbo: What Women Really Mean When They Say, ‘Im Not Happy’ To read an excerpt from Womens Infidelity visit http://womensinfidelity.com/