Relationship Tips

Most of us have many dreams about what relationships will be like or should be like. Weve lived with these dreams forever, so when the real thing happens, and we find ourselves in a relationship reality can be quite a shock.

Some people feel tricked, trapped or like failures. Others do everything under the sun to change their partner, change themselves, or figure out why their marriage is different from the way they thought it would be.

The first step in truly understanding relationships, however, is to realize that what we dream about or imagine, is not necessarily what is going to happen to us. And that doesnt mean there is something wrong with ourselves or our relationship. It just means that we didnt know what to truly expect.

Here are six facts that no one ever told you about relationships that is important for you to understand. When you do, youll find that many of the tangles loosen and as you relax your relationship can grow naturally.

Number 1) Relationships are not static.

They can, will and must change. No two people stay the same during the course of a life time. Their needs, wishes, and interests vary. It is unreasonable to expect that relationship partners will always grow and change in the same ways, at the same time. This has to be accepted and included in the relationship.

It is not necessary for the two of you to always think the same way, like the same things, or be in the same place at the same time. Just because you may have different tastes or interests doesnt mean that the two of you arent in love.

For relationships to remain vital and healthy it is necessary to have a core of mutual interests, activities and desires, but, it is also crucial to make room for differences between you. This doesnt necessarily mean you are growing apart. It may just mean that you are growing, and will have even more love and understanding to bring to your partner in the long run.

Number 2) Romantic feelings of excitement, intoxication and infatuation necessarily wax and wane.

Many people expect to feel ‘in love’ with their partner on a daily basis. By this they mean having romantic feelings of excitement and infatuation, feeling as though they cant wait to see the person, and miss them if theyre gone. These individuals must learn the crucial difference between loving a partner and being ‘in love’.

Romantic feelings of excitement, intoxication and infatuation necessarily wax and wane. There are times they appear and are very enjoyable -other times they fade into the background. This does not mean something is wrong or that you do not love each other.

Love is not based upon fluctuating feelings, but upon a solid foundation of mutual respect, consideration and communication. Although it is wonderful and important to set aside time for romantic time together, the daily on-goingness of life requires a much deeper understanding of what it means to truly love.

Love is often tested in the fire, and frequently sacrifice is needed. In order to truly love, one must grow as a person, and that is what relationships are for - to help us grow in our ability to discover what love really is..

Number 3) Love is not dependency.

Its all right to be who you are, be different from him, have friends and activities of your own. Its also all right, to give him time with his friends and private space. Love always includes trust of the other, and the knowledge that the more your partner is able to enjoy others, the more he will be able to enjoy being with you.

The less you suffocate and possess him, the more he will want to be with you. The less you let him suffocate you, the more you will love him and the more he will respect you. Its fine to be two, separate, whole people. From that basis, a lot of love can grow.

Number 4) Being angry doesnt mean you do not love each other.

Some feel that as soon as they are angry with their partner or their partner is angry with them the love has gone out the window. Of course, if anger goes on for too long, or is not dealt with properly, it certainly can erode the quality of a relationship.

But being angry is not a sign that he doesnt love you, or you him. It is simply a sign that it is time for good, open, honest, careful communication to take place. On-going communication is the heart and soul of every good relationship.

When we bottle up our needs and feelings and pretend to be who we are not, then all that has been hidden will explode through anger. But, when we recognize anger, irritation or resentment as it arises, and freely discuss our needs or responses with our partner, not only does the anger diminish, but our relationship grows closer.

Take anger as a sign that you are being an opportunity to communicate more and know each other better. Let it make you closer, not further apart.

Number 5) Even though youre together all the time, you still must make time for one another.

Actually, you must actually carve out more time for each other when you live together. Living together its easy to take one anothers presence for granted. But just because the person is there physically, does not necessarily mean youre sharing quality time. Children, errands, pressures at work and social obligations can create a whir of activity, but not intimate time between the two of you.

Carve out intimate time when the two of you are alone. Go some place special. Make time to talk and hug. Make time to have fun alone. This is a wonderful refresher to every marriage and should be done at least weekly.

Number 6) Being together for a long time doesnt have to take the magic away.

Its wonderful to have someone at your side, who you share experiences with year after year. There is no way to replace a person who youve gone through many years with, sharing common experiences and memories. The sense of continuity and trust that can develop between you is a jewel. It is wonderful to wake up each morning, knowing this person is at your side.

As the years pass you know each other better and better, whatever happens you both know there is someone there for you, who understands what you are going through. As our ability to share grows, the burdens of life diminish greatly, and the joys intensify as well.

Discover the surprising truths about love that will save your relationship, in Dr. Shoshannas new e-book Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships). Dr. Shoshanna is a psychologist, relationship expert on i.village.com, speaker, and author of many books, including The Anger Diet (30 Days To Stress Free Living), Zen And The Art of Falling In Love, (Simon and Schuster), Why Men Leave (Putnam), and many others. You can contact her at mailto: mailto:topspeaker@yahoo.com . Her personal website is: www.brendashoshanna.com

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Men are dense… in relationships. Men, I know this isn’t going to be a popular statement, but you know that it is true in many ways. We may state that women are not understandable, that they don’t make sense, they are not logical, or that the particular one we’re with is worse than all the others.

But, the truth is, we’re dullards when it comes to the deeper realities of relationships. There are exceptions, but not very many. For instance, my expertise as a marriage and family therapist is relationships. But I can tell you that any woman coming into my office knows more in her little finger innately about relationships than I do.

Women have been raised on them. When they come out of the womb they know that physiologically they are just like momma. So, they try to be even more like her. That’s a relational way to grow up.

Little boys come out of the womb and right away know there is a really big difference between them and momma. And then culture says, “Go out and find yourself. Find out who you really are like.” This sends us toward a non-relational way of growing up.

So, men, let’s face it, we’re playing catch-up with women all the way when it comes to the subtleties of making a good marriage, partnership, or dating relationship. We just don’t “get it” where and when we should.

And here is the rubber meets the road point of this article: We don’t get it about “fixing” women. We have grown up fixing things. And we also want to fix our mate’s problems because that’s what we think we’re good at.

Unfortunately, women don’t need to be fixed, they need to be listened to, and then they can go fix things just fine themselves. (Men, read that line again!)

The way I get around this with men is that I teach them that “listening is fixing.” It’s simply a matter of redefining what we think fixing is in this context. Remember, “Listening is fixing.”

OK, easy to say, not so easy to do. Here’s how my wife taught me NOT to fix her. One day she started saying to me, “This is not helpful to me.” Note, that this is a very functional “I” statement. No blaming, no finger pointing, and not inflammatory. Just a simple statement about her reality and she left it at that.

What did I do? I immediately started arguing with her, saying that, indeed, this WAS helpful to her. At this point she merely said, “And THIS is not helpful to me,” and turned and walked away. She was very self-composed and non-reactive.

This pattern continued a while (I don’t want to confess how long) until it started to dawn on me that I really did want to be helpful to her, and since I apparently wasn’t being helpful, maybe I ought to ask her what would be. This is where I learned about listening to women!

She taught me that “Listening is fixing!” That’s all she needed, just to be heard, and then she could go on and do whatever she needed herself. She just needed the embrace of the relationship.

I’ve just given you the condensed version. It actually took quite a long time for me to really “get it,” and I still fall into the old pattern, lo, these many years later. Pam merely says, “This is not helpful to me,” and I now catch on fairly quickly. Instead of arguing, I have learned to ask, “What would be more helpful right now?” Then she gets to tell me what she wants or needs from me.

Men, we’re dense, and we’ve got alot to learn.

Women, you already know it, but men are dense and have alot to learn. You can help the process or hinder it, by how you educate the men in your lives. We need to know what you want and need at any given time. My wife’s self-possession, self-restraint and willingness to educate me is an example of how to do so effectively. Just don’t think it works the very first time!

Steve Roberts is an experienced Marriage and Family Therapist who shares tips and real life relationship secrets from over 20 years of practice. Married 27 years to Pam, his partner in Life and profession, he has personally known the peaks and valleys of the couple experience. Get insight and wisdom for your relationships at www.whatworksforcouples.com

© Steve Roberts - All Rights reserved www.WhatWorksForCouples.com

The question is a common one: How do I know if this is the right person. Am I doing the right thing?

The truth is we’re never quite sure. We gather the data of experience. Then we take a shot at life one way of the other. Right or Wrong? Only experience tells us.

So, how do we make a good assessment before the decision? Here are some questions to ask yourself.

1. How well have I observed this person’s past behavior? Behind the “look good” behavior of the infatuation period lies the everyday behavior with friends, family, work colleagues, and with you. What you see in the every day behavior is likely to persist.

Do you like what you are seeing?

Can you live with it if it doesn’t change?

Would you stay with this person if you knew for certain that it would never change?

2. Assuming you have a really good sense of the person’s behavior, then do you love him/her? Before answering, consider what I’m actually asking with this question.

Do you love the person just as is, not as could be? Do you love for who this person is now, rather than the possibilities you see? Those possibilities may never come to pass. How would you live with that?

Is there passion inside you to see, be with, to spend time (a lot of time) with this person? I’ve seen alot of people in “luke warm” relationships that were never hotter than that even to begin with. That’s OK if it is your choice, but is this what you really want?

Does this person feel like the real thing, the real deal, the really true love to you, or is there still something nagging at you?

3. Assuming we have the behavior, and the love, is there a final something that will kill the relationship over time?

An addiction? Parents, children or other family that hates you? A commitment to something that will not leave enough time for you? A difference in religion that can not be resolved? Does he or she feel the same passion for you that you are feeling?

Let’s be realistic: Love does NOT conquer all. I wish it did. If it did the divorce rate where I live wouldn’t be near 70%. There’s nothing wrong with making the choice for a committed relationship. But use your head and not just your heart!

– Steve Roberts is an experienced Marriage and Family Therapist who shares tips and real life relationship secrets from over 20 years of practice. Married 27 years to Pam, his partner in Life and profession, he has personally known the peaks and valleys of the couple experience.

In The Celestine Prophecy, James Redfield writes about the ‘control dramas’ that people use to draw energy from one another.

Think about it. Every time you interact with another person, there is a transaction of energy. Depending on the kind of interaction, you either feel energised or drained after it.

The reason why negative people tend to drain your energy is because they are operating from their ego.

The ego is all about, ‘I, me and myself.’ It always wants more. More possessions, more wealth, more pride, more control, more energy-¦

When you operate from the ego, you tend to draw energy towards yourself, and away from the other person.

Every time you try to ‘be right’, every time you try to prove yourself superior to another person or dominate them, you are fighting a battle for energy. This battle is the death-knell of many a relationship.

But when you experience a sense of oneness with the universe, lose your sense of self and ego and learn to operate from love, theres no more need for control dramas.

The Fourth and Fifth Insight in The Celestine Prophecy state that:

‘Humans have always felt insecure and disconnected from this sacred source, and have tried to take energy by dominating each other. This struggle is responsible for all human conflict.

The only solution is to cultivate a personal reconnection with the divine, a mystical transformation that fills us with unlimited energy and love, extends our perception of beauty, and lifts us into a Higher-Self Awareness.’

These insights are not new. For thousands of years, spiritual and energy healers from the disciplines of Reiki, Tai Chi, Qigong and Yoga, have understood and used them to draw energy directly from the divine source.

Meditation is the way recommended by spiritual and energy healers, but a positive attitude and healthy diet are also important.

When you realise that the energy in the universe is infinite and boundless, and learn how to tap into that divine energy and abundance, theres no need for you to draw your energy from another person.

This realisation will completely transform your relationships.

When you learn how to build your resources of energy directly from the universe, you can even give some to another person who needs it.

You know theres always more where that came from.

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Copyright © Priya Shah

Priya Shah blogs on self-improvement and spirituality. Get more relationship tips and advice and free self-improvement resources.

This article may be reprinted as long as the resource box is left intact and all links are hyperlinked.

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In my quest to find the perfect mate, I often ended up dating or attracting people who were completely wrong for me. It was only when I realised a simple truth that my entire concept of relationships changed.

Practitioners of NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) have a rule that states: The meaning of your communication is the response that you get.

That means the response you elicit from a person depends entirely on how you communicate your ideas to them. If you communicate in a way that gets you the response you desired, you were successful. If not, you need to learn what was missing in your communication and how to incorporate that the next time you try.

Notice how this rule places the onus of getting a response on YOU, not on the other person.

If you extrapolate this to relationships, you could say, ‘The kind of person you attract depends on the kind of person you are.’ Our relationships, and the people we attract into our lives, are just a reflection of who we are, at that point in our lives.

We often talk about men (or women) being ‘emotionally unavailable or unwilling to commit to a better relationship. But the kind of people we attract into our lives often tend to be people who mirror our personality or the issues we are dealing with, in some way.

If, deep down, you have a fear of commitment or of ‘losing your freedom’, then youre going to attract a mate with the same issues. If you have no self-love or low self-esteem, youll end up attracting people with the same problems.

The reason why we see patterns in our lives, why we get into abusive or unfulfilling relationships, is because weve not dealt with the issues that were responsible for creating our own beliefs and personalities.

The Law of Attraction states that like attracts like. If you think positive thoughts, youll attract good things to you. If you respect people and do good by them, youll elicit the same response from them.

If you want to attract a person with all the qualities you want in a mate, then you must develop those qualities in yourself.

Want your mate to be more loving, giving and kind? Then become more loving, giving and kind.

Want your mate to be health-conscious? Start taking charge of your own health and fitness.

Want your mate to have a good sense of humour? Take the time and effort to develop your own sense of humour.

Want your mate to be financially secure? Get your own finances in order.

Want your mate to be emotionally available? Commit to sharing more of yourself first.

If youve been attracting the wrong kind of people into your life, take a good look at the person in the mirror. Get to know yourself better. Youll find the answers are all inside you.

If you want a better relationship, you must become a better person. To attract the mate of your dreams, you must become the person you want to attract.

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Copyright © Priya Shah

Priya Shah blogs on internet marketing and personal growth. Click here for free self-improvement ebooks.

This article may be reprinted as long as the resource box is left intact and all links are hyperlinked.

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When we’re young, we’re taught to play nice and share. Selfishness is a vice, and consideration a virtue. We carry those beliefs with us into adulthood where they work well in everyday life. But, the situation is different when you’re dating. Dating is all about finding someone who meets your requirements for a mate. It’s not about molding yourself to fit your partner’s requirements. So, the best way to have long term success in your relationship? Be more selfish when dating.

Most men and women aren’t nearly selfish enough when they are dating. That may sound backward to you because you try to be on your best behavior during a date. You try to make a good impression. You try to be considerate and selfless because you want the other person to like you. While this selflessness makes you a great date, it doesn’t get you what you want. It doesn’t get you a life partner who meets your definition of a good mate. Years later, you’re unhappy. You really didn’t choose a mate; you were chosen.

It’s All About Him

You make a big mistake when you set aside your feelings and cater totally to the other person desires so that he or she will like you. That’s bad for two reasons.

First, it’s not fair to your date. He never gets to know you: your tastes, your preferences, and your personality. So how could he know if the two of you are really compatible? Express yourself. Let him know your preferences and your quirks. Give him the chance to bail if you don’t fit his ideal for a partner. Don’t show him just your good side in order to have a relationship. Br open, and be real. If he’s the man for you, he’ll accept you and will want to please you. If he’s not the man for you, better to find out now instead of after the wedding when you have a big mortgage and small kids.

It’s All About You

You’re also being unfair to yourself. By suppressing your desires and preferences, you are letting your partner set the terms of the relationship. That doesn’t work long term. In fact, a major cause of divorces is because one or both spouses “settled” for the other in order to have a relationship and get married.

Don’t settle. Be selfish. This is your relationship, too. You have the right to choose anyone and reject anyone for any reason. You don’t owe your dates anything except courtesy and kindness. You will owe your spouse a lifetime of love and commitment. The more selfish you are during the dating process-the choosier you are when selecting a life partner-the easier it will be to love and to cherish.

Selfish In Dating, But Selfless In Love

If you’re dating the right person, he or she will love you just as you are. There are plenty of prospects who will meet your requirements and needs. Prospects who fit your ideal of a life partner. But, you’ll never find them if you settle for something less than you want. Be up front from the beginning. Express yourself freely and openly. It’s not phony, it’s not pretentious: it’s you being you. You can still be charming and polite. But, be prepared for a lot of dates to walk away. The fact that you weren’t right for them means that they weren’t right for you. Right? Openness and honesty in dating will also carry forward into openness and honesty in marriage. Knowing that you are right for each other before the wedding is the secret to a lifetime of wedded bliss as a couple.

Dr. Alan Stafford, Relationship Results Coach I help Singles and Couples build relationships that work
Click here to ask Alan a question about your biggest relationship issue
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© 2005 Alan Stafford/Relationship Success Experts

Here are some warning signs of a cheating husband.

It is important to let you know that they are not the only ones and they are not definitely signs either. This means that your partner could do some of these actions and not necessarily being cheating on you.

Take these as yellow lights, to start looking further, but not take them as full probe that your partner is cheating on you.

As I said before, before these signs, your feelings are probably the most important indicators that something is happening. Why do you have these feelings? you have them because you start seeing things that you never saw before until something in your mind start telling you very softly¬¦ Is there someone else? Is he cheating on me? And most of the time you know the answer in advance-¦

If the signs alarm you, and you feel that you need to get probes before taking further steps, don’t feel guilty. It is perfectly normal that you need probes; this is because you cannot believe that this person for whom you did so much and probably with whom you spent so much time and had so many dreams, is cheating on you. Therefore, do not feel guilty if you are looking for probes, it is your life!

Do not fall in the trap that you are betraying your partner confidence if you look for the truth, this is a cheater argument and it was created to refrain you for looking for the real truth. It is he who is betraying you, not the opposite.

1. He starts working overtime more often than usual and he is not at his office when you call.

2. He does not answer his cell phone often and he tells you that it was turned on all the time. He tells you that he doesnt know what happened.

3. He erases all his text messages from his cell phone on a regular basis.

4. He has a cell phone you dont know and especially if the bill arrives to his office.

5. He wants to try new sex techniques that you never tried before as a couple.

6. He carries condoms, especially if you are using the pill.

7. He spends more hours than usual on the computer late at night.

8. He gets very upset if you call him to the office or asks you not to do it.

9. He disappears for long time and you dont know where he is.

10. He gets nervous when you step into the room where he is using the computer. Changes windows, closes programs or shut down the computer among other actions.

11. His car smells lightly like woman perfume. Mens cars are very good revealing cheating information.

12. He doesnt want toys or child seats in his car.

13. His clothes smell like a woman, to an unfamiliar perfume or have lipstick on them.

14. You find unknown charges on his credit card statement.

15. Even that I know husbands who have cheated their wives for years, usually men are careless and finding if they are cheating is much easier than findind a cheating woman.

16. Woman have a very special feeling about being cheated, therefore if you have the feeling, the chance that something is happening is very high.

Dr. Laurent Mikhail is a communication professional who has helped several couples to understand each other after a cheating problem. You can find further information within his site www.catch-cheating.com

We still live in a society that promotes the notion that it is normal for a man to desire many women and yet normal for a woman to desire only one man. Our beliefs about male and female behavior may have been helpful in the past, but today they are doing much more harm than good.

As a society we need to stop perpetuating the myth that females are naturally monogamous because this erroneous belief keeps women from taking responsibility when they do cheat. Unfortunately, when women cheat they typically put the blame on their husbands.

Most of the prevailing beliefs we hold about women were created and taught to control the sexual behavior of females in an effort to ease paternity insecurity in males. When females give birth they know the children they give birth to are biologically theirs. Males on the other hand, prior to DNA testing, had to rely on the faithfulness of their partners; which is the reason a sexual double-standard emerged. However, over time the sexual double-standard gave way to a false belief that females were in fact naturally monogamous. Today, it is no longer necessary to continue teaching this false belief because DNA testing allows males to have the same certainty about paternity as females.

Today, women initiate approximately 70 - 75% of all divorces. Due to our false beliefs, women lack adequate knowledge about their natural sexual impulses; as a result, they are much more likely than men to leave their marriages due to their sexual attractions and affairs. Although women typically pursue separations and divorces under the guise of ’searching for self’ the real reason is often another man. Its not uncommon for women to be happily married prior to their affairs; its also not uncommon for men to be divorced by their wives without ever knowing about their wives extramarital relationships.

For many years now, women have been knowingly or unknowingly performing a balancing act - trying to attain equal rights, while at the same time, trying to maintain their special rights. Interestingly enough, most women are still not happy. Women continue to feel they get the short end of the stick. Women still do not feel as though they have equal rights, much less special rights, why? Because the sexual double standard still exists in our culture; but ironically, womens final right to claim is the root from which their oppression stemmed.

However, it is no longer men who oppress women - it is women. Women have not yet decided whether they want to trade their ‘image’ and all the special treatment that it affords them, for the ‘public’ sexual freedom which is afforded to males. As a result, one of the biggest problems in relationships today, is due to the fact that women are finding it increasingly more difficult to maintain their ‘image,’ now that their survival is no longer contingent upon it.

It is only by doing away with the sexual double standard that females will finally achieve the equality they have so long sought after. However, in doing so, they will have to give up one of their special rights - they will no longer be able to blame males for their sexual indiscretions and their lack of self control.

Michelle Langley is the author of Womens Infidelity: Living In Limbo: What Women Really Mean When They Say, ‘Im Not Happy’ To read an excerpt from Womens Infidelity visit http://womensinfidelity.com/