Relationship Tips

In my quest to find the perfect mate, I often ended up dating or attracting people who were completely wrong for me. It was only when I realised a simple truth that my entire concept of relationships changed.

Practitioners of NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) have a rule that states: The meaning of your communication is the response that you get.

That means the response you elicit from a person depends entirely on how you communicate your ideas to them. If you communicate in a way that gets you the response you desired, you were successful. If not, you need to learn what was missing in your communication and how to incorporate that the next time you try.

Notice how this rule places the onus of getting a response on YOU, not on the other person.

If you extrapolate this to relationships, you could say, ‘The kind of person you attract depends on the kind of person you are.’ Our relationships, and the people we attract into our lives, are just a reflection of who we are, at that point in our lives.

We often talk about men (or women) being ‘emotionally unavailable or unwilling to commit to a better relationship. But the kind of people we attract into our lives often tend to be people who mirror our personality or the issues we are dealing with, in some way.

If, deep down, you have a fear of commitment or of ‘losing your freedom’, then youre going to attract a mate with the same issues. If you have no self-love or low self-esteem, youll end up attracting people with the same problems.

The reason why we see patterns in our lives, why we get into abusive or unfulfilling relationships, is because weve not dealt with the issues that were responsible for creating our own beliefs and personalities.

The Law of Attraction states that like attracts like. If you think positive thoughts, youll attract good things to you. If you respect people and do good by them, youll elicit the same response from them.

If you want to attract a person with all the qualities you want in a mate, then you must develop those qualities in yourself.

Want your mate to be more loving, giving and kind? Then become more loving, giving and kind.

Want your mate to be health-conscious? Start taking charge of your own health and fitness.

Want your mate to have a good sense of humour? Take the time and effort to develop your own sense of humour.

Want your mate to be financially secure? Get your own finances in order.

Want your mate to be emotionally available? Commit to sharing more of yourself first.

If youve been attracting the wrong kind of people into your life, take a good look at the person in the mirror. Get to know yourself better. Youll find the answers are all inside you.

If you want a better relationship, you must become a better person. To attract the mate of your dreams, you must become the person you want to attract.

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Copyright © Priya Shah

Priya Shah blogs on internet marketing and personal growth. Click here for free self-improvement ebooks.

This article may be reprinted as long as the resource box is left intact and all links are hyperlinked.

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The recent proliferation of dating websites makes it clear that you’re looking for him, and he’s looking for you, so how do we get the two of you together?

AT WORK

Most people meet their future mates in the workplace, despite the distinct possibility of Double Jeopardy: you could lose both the guy and your job. Inherently risky, it’s never been my favorite, but it isn’t stopping lots of other people, sexual harassment laws notwithstanding.

There are ways to make it work such as testing the waters carefully as to intent, initially flirting only when part of a group, and later, keeping it strictly off-campus, and after-hours. See my ebook, “Midlife Dating Survival Manual for Women” for more tips.

THROUGH FRIENDS

Word is this produces the most promising dates, though it isn’t surefire. I recall a friend who introduced a friend of ours to a man of her acquaintance, and later found out the man’s wife had left him because he used to beat her. That having been said, don’t forget to ask people for introductions. People won’t assume your interested unless you say something.

AT SCHOOL

Demographically, you’d think the #1 place would be college/university (I mean oveall), but I guess we’re putting off marriage until later.

Returning to school as an adult provides opportunities and is a win-win. Whether you meet someone or not, you’ve improved yourself and enriched your life. When I first divorced and returned to graduate school, I found it a great place to meet folks, including professors who were closer to my age than many of the students. One of my fellow-students did end up marrying one of the professors.

Learn a new language, brush up on your computer skills or get a post-graduate degree. Most learning institutions cater to the schedules of older working adults, with night and weekend classes.

ON THE INTERNET

The second best way to meet eligible others is probably the Internet, especially for females, as there are many more men seeking online.

The websites give good instructions, including that you should take care when meeting them in person, and the importance of a really good photo.

One resource you can take advantage of is Glamour Shots (no, I’m not an affiliate). Depending upon the location, they do great work, nice touchups, and can also submit your photo directly to the website. You’ll get more action if you include a photo, and it should be current.

Which brings up the point of deception. If someone’s deceptive, they’ll do it anywhere, including the Internet. You just have to keep your wits about you. (See my ebook). However, if you submit a misleading photo you’re only fooling yourself. Why put on there a photo of you 6 years ago, and then be rejected when you finally meet? On principal, if nothing else. (And why do you have a problem with what you really look like??)

The Internet seems to have been created for introverts. For dating, it allows a slower pace, in writing, that introverts love. From personal experience, I recommend meeting the person fairly quickly (once safe), so the fantasy doesn’t get out-of-hand.

A quick look at the profiles will inform you that everyone is “sensitive,” “caring” and “loving” — at least in their own eyes. We all know what to say, especially seasoned seducers, but misconceptions are are also provided by those who aren’t being willfully deceptive, but just aren’t very self-aware.

We’re all alike - we all want the same thing; but we differ in what things mean to us, and the means by which we hope to acquire them. Everyone’s looking for love and most find some version of it. Didn’t Hitler and Mussolini both die with their mistresses at their sides?

One person’s “financially secure” is making enough to pay the bills, and another’s is a million dollar trust fund.

“I’m a sensitive guy” can mean he’s full of self-pity and insensitive to others; or too hyper-sensitive to be able to relate.

See them face-to-face. No one really looks like their photo, no matter how current, and while appearance isn’t the deal-breaker for most of us, that illusive thing called “chemistry” is, so get it over with. This is the best way to check out their health, as well.

AT PLAY

Meeting someone while you’re doing what you love to do is a great idea, don’t you think?

Here’s an example. Recently I went to a Sunday opera matinee. It turned out to be an incredibly unique group of people. The variance was small, and the overall median age must have been 55 (MEDIAN). Surprisingly there was a large number of men there alone. Who knew?

It was a small crowd, and during the long intermission, I wandered outside. Immediately several men, there alone, struck up conversation with me.

Now here’s the kicker: I found myself asking a friend, “What kind of man over 55 would go to an opera alone?” She reminded me that the last great love of my life fit that profile!

I personally know clients who met their future husbands taking SCUBA lessons, learning German at the community college, and volunteering at the homeless shelter.

DANCE LESSONS

Dance lessons deserve special mention. Many dance venues are now offering free, or nearly-free lessons. In my town, one C&W dance hall has lessons Sunday nights at 7:30 p.m., for $3, and most attendees are midlifers. There’s free dancing afterwards, and the atmosphere is very different than Friday Night at Billy Bob’s.

In addition, private studios attract midlifers as well, offering all levels, beginner to competition. You could meet a great two-stepper and dance your way right out of the studio!

FAITH GROUPS

Don’t miss this often-overlooked possibility. Many places of worship consider it an outreach and do a great job, and they aren’t always religiously oriented. One of the largest ones in my town meets at a church, but the speakers are secular, self-help types. They carry a full calendar of activities. Take a leadership position and you’ll get more exposure. Yes!

IN YOUR FANTASIES

This may not be what you want to hear, but the best place to meet him is in your mind. To get what you want, you have to know what you want, with clarity and also with feeling. This man you want to meet, how does it feel to be with him? Best time to envision is just before you fall asleep.

Be mentally prepared for the possibility. If it can happen in the universe, it can happen to you. I wish you could hear the stories I hear as a coach. It can happen at the most unlikely places.

I’m thinking of a wonderful man I met at a restaurant on a vacation in Chicago. It wasn’t in my paradigm, so I thought “What’s the use?” When I recall the impression he made in our brief meeting . what a lost opportunity. And ironically, since then, none of my better matches has been from my hometown, or even home state.

Last word - I’m told there are a disproportionate number of single men at upscale jazz clubs. “But don’t bug them during the show,” my informant said. Good advice. A woman who interrupts a man at work or play, is requiring multi-tasking of him, which men aren’t good at. It’s always best to let him approach you, because then it’s his idea and all that other stuff you know about guys and you’re smart, right? If not, get some coaching and get up to speed. You don’t want him to miss the woman of his dreams, do you?

©Susan Dunn, MA, EQ & Dating Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Susan is the author of “Midlife Dating Survival Manual for Women.” She offers coaching, Internet courses and ebooks around emotional intelligence for your personal, dating and professional success. She trains an certifies EQ coaches internationally. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for info on this fast, affordable, comprehensive, no-residency program. Email for FREE EQ ezine.

By Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach

Alexander is inconsolable over his recent divorce, instigated by his wife of 10 years. Perhaps you know or love someone like this. His behavior and reaction to the loss are driving other people from his life as well. His family tell me they’ve “done everything they could” and are at their wit’s end. They understand the sadness, but are concerned about his litany of physical complaints ranging from what looks like chronic fatigue syndrome to the heart pains he claims to be having.

He’s driven off a new girl-friend because of his “obsessing about his former wife,” his flash anger, and his ambivalence about plans, activities, and their relationship.

His friends have quit inviting for dinner because he’s so withdrawn and forlorn, and his business partner is becoming increasingly concerned at Alexander’s neglect of their business.

Alexander’s personality has changed and increasingly he is adding more and greater problems to the initial problem. Evidence mounts daily that calling it a “broken heart” is an astute bit of folk wisdom.

When you lose a love relationship, a set of symptoms ensues that other people usually try and talk you out of: the dragging around, sleeping too much or too little, crying, weight gain or loss, talking and thinking obsessively about the lost love, inability to enjoy life and the things that used to bring pleasure, and also a host of physical ailments.

Some people focus on the psychological pain, while others focus on the physical suffering, but usually there is both, and there’s mounting evidence that the physical symptoms aren’t “psychosomatic.” Well, not in the old and common use of the term. We recognize the seamless mind-body connection in the field of emotional intelligence. What we feel emotionally, is “felt” physically in the cells of our bodies.

When we see it in others, we want them to “just get over it” - to quit thinking, talking and acting that way and get back to normal. We can understand the loss, but in many cases we know it will fix itself in time, and also it isn’t we who are suffering. We remember having gotten over things in the past, but we may not remember what it was like for us during the worst of it. In fact, we try not to remember it and apply our “selective remembering.”

What have been the remedies? At one time the cure was, at least for the wealthy, to take an ocean voyage.

Well, there’s wisdom in that, as well. Let’s take a look at what happens when our “heart is broken,” because it could be the result.

If it’s happened to you, you’re probably aware that it isn’t something that lends itself to a “quick fix,” and that it’s somehow more than “in your head,” as some seem to imply. At your better times, you’d like to get over it too. But if you’ve survived this sort of heartbreak, and gone on to thrive, as many of us have, you also know things can get better, and can shine your light on the dark corners of someone else’s life and be patient while time works its cure. However, there’s something else they need to be doing as well besides having hope and waiting.

That time will heal isn’t an absolute.

The panoply of symptoms of “the broken heart”, it turns out, were aptly named.

Studies are showing that there are measurable physiological changes that take place that can be detrimental to our physical health and exacerbate the psychological suffering. After all, if it were “all in your head,” you yourself know that, as well-meaning others tell you, you’ll probably love again, most do; that time will heal; it usually does; that if they didn’t want you, you’re better off without them; that other people have gone through what you’re going through and seem to be okay; and that moping around, eating poorly, drinking too much and neglecting important things and people in your life isn’t going to help anything.

Research is showing that people in the state of what’s called melancholic depression, have a heart rate and blood pressure significantly higher than normal people in normal times and other crucial health measurables get significantly out-of-kilter.

In typical medicalese, researchers at the National Institute of Mental Health, Bethesda, Maryland, USA, reported that patients with melancholic depression could “experience an increase in norepinephrine levels of a similar magnitude to that associated with twice the risk of mortality in patients with chronic heart failure (CHF).”

Translated, this means that it can put you at two times the risk of death from a heart attack as someone who has chronic heart failure (CHF). Correlations continue to be found. It turns out that levels of cortisol and epinephrine peak in the morning, a time when depressive symptoms are worse (thus the not wanting to get up and go to work), and also the time when many heart attacks occur. (You’ve heard of the Monday morning heart attack.)

What can you do about this? If you’re in the life of the suffering person, understand it’s more than “in their head,” and encourage them to go to their healthcare professional for a checkup. If you’re the person, understand the health ramifications and see your health care professional.

Things known to help include talking about it in therapy, exercise, cognitive work (like EQ), medication and other physical treatments. And yes, also the folk cure often recommendeded of taking an ocean voyage … even gazing at water can raise the levels of those brain chemicals that make us feel good.

While this is not intended as medical advice, which you can only get from a healthcare professional, if you have any propensity for heart trouble (physically) and receive heart trouble (emotionally), keep in mind, as always, the mind-body connection and take care of yourself. And do this especially when you don’t feel like it, because that’s one of the symptoms.

This is especially important for men, since men are more prone to heart trouble of the physical kind, and less less resilient in the face of heart trouble of the emotional kind.

© Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach. Susan is the author of “Depression: The EQ Approach”. She offers coaching, Internet courses and ebooks around emotional intelligence for your personal and professional success and wellness. She trains and certifies EQ coaches internationally. Email her for info on this fast, affordable, comprehensive, no-residency program. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE EQ ezine and visit http://www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html for books

Spring is the time when everything renews itself; its a time of new beginnings, feeling fresh and alive and a great time to make a conscious effort to renew the passion in your relationship.

Relationships go through cycles just as nature does and levels of passion will vacillate. In the early stages of love passion is a blazing inferno that cant be put out and doesnt require any work, but as the relationship progresses, passion will not stay alive without effort. And just as your garden or flowerbed need nurtured with love ,water and sunshine, your relationship needs nurtured as well.

Here are some great ways to keep the passion alive.

~Romantic gestures such as sensual cards or intimate gifts
~Show respect and appreciation
~Be adventurous and spontaneous
~Seek variety and creativity in lovemaking activities
~Express desire, love and affection
~Selfless behaviors (acts that are done purely for the satisfaction of your mate)
~Take your lover on romantic a date

And dont forget that spring is the perfect time to enjoy some delicious outdoor sex. An outdoor tryst is one of the best ways possible to renew passion, because it combines several passionate activities into one. Being naked outside elicits deep, primal, wild and uninhibited desires, its adventurous and can be spontaneous. With the right scenario you can make it romantic.

You can surprise your lover with an outdoor quickie, or a beautiful lovemaking event or plan a whole day of savoring. Get more creative by adding some role-play or pack a picnic basket with some of your favorite foods to play with, like strawberries or bananas, whip cream, ice cream or whatever you desire and feed each other like Kings and Queens or place it strategically on the body to be licked and eaten.

Nature provides you with a fantastic sexual playground to ignite passion, where different textures and varied places such as on the grass, in the water, bent over a stump, in the wind, hanging from a branch, on the sand, on flat land or on a hill etc. will enhance your sensations and provide you with the ability to maneuver many different positions and techniques. The whole world can become your bedroom.

For wildlife spring is the natural season of mating so take their cue, let the seduction of the elements turn you into wild animals and renew your passion to new heights.

Cynthia Perkins, M.Ed. is a sex coach helping couples have great sex, deeper intimacy, be better lovers and keep the passion alive. Get your Free Sex Guide “25 Tips for Great Sex” and ignite even more passion and excitement in your relationship.

“Scratch an adult, and you’ll find a scared child underneath.” Who said this? I did. Ok, it’s not a very famous quote. But, I do say it, over and over. And people shake their heads yes, acknowledging that they know what I mean.

“Under stress, we regress.” The man who trained me many years ago said this. And I say it over and over again to people all the time. Given some stress, we drop back to a younger way of behaving, feeling and thinking. You might call it the “knee jerk reaction.”

So, this is the problem with many of your relationships. We see it in the boss who over-reactes. It’s in the over-wrought parent who abuses a child in the name of discipline. And it is certainly in the relationship spats we have with our lovers.We’re all scared children reacting in knee jerk ways as soon as any stress builds up.

Unless you’re more aware than most, this pattern is not immediately obvious. It can be a mystery as to why you blew up over nothing, or why your partner seems so unreasonable when you’re trying to be so logical. At some level, and it’s usually unconscious, we’d scared. We’re afraid of experiencing some level of discomfort, and our primal training moves us to react in inappropriate ways.

Add to this that our brain has spent years and years associating negative expectations to all kinds of events and it is amazing that we can have such normal relationships most of the time.

And what about those people that “never” react? They are always so pleasing and never would say anything unsettling to anyone else. I guarantee that they are doing the same process on the inside. They cringe, they run away, they feel pain. Their over-compliant ways are actually a form of knee-jerkiness that defines a life-time.

Compliant niceness and super-negotiability are, more often than not, a way to handle their own deep down fear that they will cause someone to have such a knee jerk reaction towards them.

The Solution:

How I wish I could give you a single, smart, simple answer for this problem! Not a chance! You’ll be learning to live in more productive ways for the rest of your life. In fact, working on this one personality reality is what your relationships are particularly suited for.

Here’s the solution as simply as I can put it.

First, be aware that “Under stress, we always regress.” And good stress is still stress. Ever wonder how two people at a wonderful wedding celebration can suddenly have a huge argument? It’s because the wedding is stressful. It’s good stress, but it’s still stress. Just acknowledging that this is how life works helps us to name it and bounce back faster.

Secondly, realize that you can not stop regressions from occurring. With practice you’ll identify it faster and recover quicker, but our reactions will always be with us lurking beneath the surface. You’ll just become better and better at handling it.

Thirdly, realize what maturity really is. It is NOT stopping it, but getting out of it faster and faster each time. What bothered me several days last year, may only bother me several hours this year, and next year it may only be a three second blip. It is still there but I become less and less reactive to it.

This is the basis of my therapy work with couples. I help them get used to the things that each of them react to, to recognize what stresses each of them, and to grow in maturity so that they don’t react so strongly in the future.

I encourage you to take this short outline to heart. If I could get this little lesson deep within you, you’d never have to read another of my articles.

You will ALWAYS react, but with time and awareness you can lower the power of this reactivity and create peace and serenity for you and your partner.

Steve Roberts is an experienced Marriage and Family Therapist who shares tips and real life relationship secrets from over 20 years of practice. Get Insight and Wisdom for your Relationships at: www.WhatWorksForCouples.com

When we’re young, we’re taught to play nice and share. Selfishness is a vice, and consideration a virtue. We carry those beliefs with us into adulthood where they work well in everyday life. But, the situation is different when you’re dating. Dating is all about finding someone who meets your requirements for a mate. It’s not about molding yourself to fit your partner’s requirements. So, the best way to have long term success in your relationship? Be more selfish when dating.

Most men and women aren’t nearly selfish enough when they are dating. That may sound backward to you because you try to be on your best behavior during a date. You try to make a good impression. You try to be considerate and selfless because you want the other person to like you. While this selflessness makes you a great date, it doesn’t get you what you want. It doesn’t get you a life partner who meets your definition of a good mate. Years later, you’re unhappy. You really didn’t choose a mate; you were chosen.

It’s All About Him

You make a big mistake when you set aside your feelings and cater totally to the other person desires so that he or she will like you. That’s bad for two reasons.

First, it’s not fair to your date. He never gets to know you: your tastes, your preferences, and your personality. So how could he know if the two of you are really compatible? Express yourself. Let him know your preferences and your quirks. Give him the chance to bail if you don’t fit his ideal for a partner. Don’t show him just your good side in order to have a relationship. Br open, and be real. If he’s the man for you, he’ll accept you and will want to please you. If he’s not the man for you, better to find out now instead of after the wedding when you have a big mortgage and small kids.

It’s All About You

You’re also being unfair to yourself. By suppressing your desires and preferences, you are letting your partner set the terms of the relationship. That doesn’t work long term. In fact, a major cause of divorces is because one or both spouses “settled” for the other in order to have a relationship and get married.

Don’t settle. Be selfish. This is your relationship, too. You have the right to choose anyone and reject anyone for any reason. You don’t owe your dates anything except courtesy and kindness. You will owe your spouse a lifetime of love and commitment. The more selfish you are during the dating process-the choosier you are when selecting a life partner-the easier it will be to love and to cherish.

Selfish In Dating, But Selfless In Love

If you’re dating the right person, he or she will love you just as you are. There are plenty of prospects who will meet your requirements and needs. Prospects who fit your ideal of a life partner. But, you’ll never find them if you settle for something less than you want. Be up front from the beginning. Express yourself freely and openly. It’s not phony, it’s not pretentious: it’s you being you. You can still be charming and polite. But, be prepared for a lot of dates to walk away. The fact that you weren’t right for them means that they weren’t right for you. Right? Openness and honesty in dating will also carry forward into openness and honesty in marriage. Knowing that you are right for each other before the wedding is the secret to a lifetime of wedded bliss as a couple.

Dr. Alan Stafford, Relationship Results Coach I help Singles and Couples build relationships that work
Click here to ask Alan a question about your biggest relationship issue
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© 2005 Alan Stafford/Relationship Success Experts

Here are some warning signs of a cheating husband.

It is important to let you know that they are not the only ones and they are not definitely signs either. This means that your partner could do some of these actions and not necessarily being cheating on you.

Take these as yellow lights, to start looking further, but not take them as full probe that your partner is cheating on you.

As I said before, before these signs, your feelings are probably the most important indicators that something is happening. Why do you have these feelings? you have them because you start seeing things that you never saw before until something in your mind start telling you very softly¬¦ Is there someone else? Is he cheating on me? And most of the time you know the answer in advance-¦

If the signs alarm you, and you feel that you need to get probes before taking further steps, don’t feel guilty. It is perfectly normal that you need probes; this is because you cannot believe that this person for whom you did so much and probably with whom you spent so much time and had so many dreams, is cheating on you. Therefore, do not feel guilty if you are looking for probes, it is your life!

Do not fall in the trap that you are betraying your partner confidence if you look for the truth, this is a cheater argument and it was created to refrain you for looking for the real truth. It is he who is betraying you, not the opposite.

1. He starts working overtime more often than usual and he is not at his office when you call.

2. He does not answer his cell phone often and he tells you that it was turned on all the time. He tells you that he doesnt know what happened.

3. He erases all his text messages from his cell phone on a regular basis.

4. He has a cell phone you dont know and especially if the bill arrives to his office.

5. He wants to try new sex techniques that you never tried before as a couple.

6. He carries condoms, especially if you are using the pill.

7. He spends more hours than usual on the computer late at night.

8. He gets very upset if you call him to the office or asks you not to do it.

9. He disappears for long time and you dont know where he is.

10. He gets nervous when you step into the room where he is using the computer. Changes windows, closes programs or shut down the computer among other actions.

11. His car smells lightly like woman perfume. Mens cars are very good revealing cheating information.

12. He doesnt want toys or child seats in his car.

13. His clothes smell like a woman, to an unfamiliar perfume or have lipstick on them.

14. You find unknown charges on his credit card statement.

15. Even that I know husbands who have cheated their wives for years, usually men are careless and finding if they are cheating is much easier than findind a cheating woman.

16. Woman have a very special feeling about being cheated, therefore if you have the feeling, the chance that something is happening is very high.

Dr. Laurent Mikhail is a communication professional who has helped several couples to understand each other after a cheating problem. You can find further information within his site www.catch-cheating.com